The Little Things

If I had just known…oh my, would I have done and said so much more and done things differently. We stopped by Adel when we returned from a vacation on Friday, July 3, 2020. Our oldest daughter got engaged that night while we were at my parent’s house. We were so excited for them and face timed with Blaire as she was 13 hours away.

I can remember what she had on. My mom had on a pair of blue pants and a white floral shirt that matched her pants. There is so much I should have said. If I had just known, she went into the hospital a week later, and little did I know she would never come home again but would transfer to her heavenly home on Friday morning, July 31, 2020, at 4:44 am. I remember my husband telling me that there was something very significant about the time that she passed. We later discovered that 444 is tied to angels and specifically protecting angels. That was definitely my mom. She had been a protecting angel my entire life, and even in her death, she was reminding me that she was just that.

I want to go back to the days leading up to my mom’s passing. The doctor diagnosed her with a UTI when she was admitted to the hospital. Since the hospital was full due to Covid-19, she was placed in a corner until a room was available. Mom went in on a Saturday, and they didn't know she had Covid-19 or what daily medications she took until the following Monday. It took my brother David calling a hospital supervisor to get it all straight. My dad was placed in a room just a few doors down several days later. It was so wild to think that my mom and dad were that close to each other but were unable to see each other. I think the hardest thing to know is that mom was all alone. I felt helpless.

My dad went into the hospital on Wednesday, July 22, 2020, and came home Saturday, August 8, 2020. This was three days after my mom’s funeral. When he came home, he had to be quarantined in his sunroom as he was not cleared to be around others. My brother and I were the only ones who would go into the room with him. When he watched mom’s funeral service, it was an emotional time. We had a parade for him where people he knew and loved could drive by and say something to him if they wanted from their car. After some time, my brother and his family went home, and I stayed with my dad to care for him. He continued to have health issues but was getting better. I was so thankful that he was recovering from Covid-19, but I could not come to grips with losing my mom.

Seven and a half months later, I would lose my only sibling. David Carlton Blair lost his battle with Covid-19 as well at 56 years of age. Both losses were extremely difficult because I could not be with them the days before they passed. I did not get to tell them goodbye. The days after were very tough, to say the least. I felt numb and wanted to go to sleep and hopefully wake up with my mom and David still here. I had always cared so deeply about everything. I found myself not wanting to care about anything at all anymore.

I had always been there for others who lost family members but never knew the deep pain and grief until I went through it myself. I felt like, during this time, everyone expected something different of me, but I didn’t want to care. I began to go into a very dark place. The Lord had laid a scripture heavy on my heart several years before. Isaiah 61:1 says, “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon ME because the Lord hath anointed ME to preach good tidings unto the meek, he hath sent ME to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prisons to those that are bound.” I felt as if I was so far from this scripture, and I didn’t feel as if I would be able to help anyone, and I did not want to, BUT I experienced the God who weeps with you (me). John 11:35 reminded me that in our times of sorrow, He weeps WITH us. In this story, Jesus knew He would do a miracle, yet He took time to grieve WITH them because He loved them. He knew He would raise His friend Lazarus from the dead, but took time to show compassion. God was definitely right there with me in my time of grief. He was strengthening me when I didn’t even realize it. The way He reminded me of His love and care. The most were little things that happened that I like to call “God Winks.”

I will never forget the day I was in our pool by myself, feeling the weight of everything about a week after my brother David’s service. A huge eagle swooped down very low and started circling over where I was. Circle after circle, I began to cry and felt David was close as he loved eagles. A few days later, I saw several hummingbirds. These birds were my mom’s favorite. Sometime after seeing the hummingbirds, I saw two red cardinals pass in front of my car almost daily. God seemed to say, “I care” through these God winks and the love and support from wonderful friends and family. My church family was also a tremendous strength to me during this time.

So, what do you do when you are in the ministry and feel unable to minister to others? This is not something that is addressed very much, if at all. We expect people to be OK when they are not OK. We expect ministers to minister constantly, no matter what. There were times I pushed myself to go to church, feeling that I wasn’t able to help or pray for anyone. Every time I went, the Lord would always bless me. When I was at church during this season of extreme grief, there were times at the altar the Lord would seem to speak, “Just Breathe Me IN.” I breathed in, and I could sense a strength coming to me. I know this may seem strange, but I know that it was genuine to me.

As time passed, I learned that as I talked and encouraged others, I was being encouraged and received from the Lord myself. The scripture in Acts 20:35, “It is better to give than to receive,” seemed to take on a whole new meaning for me. As I prayed with and for others, I was always so blessed. I also learned to cling to Psalms 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I felt utterly broken and crushed.

What has all of this taught me? Don’t miss any moment. Enjoy the little things each day. The little things are really big things. I talked to my mom every day, usually more than once a day. I wish I could call her one more time. The smiles, encouraging words, gifts, texts, and pictures were sent. It is all seemingly mundane but becomes precious in an instant. I pray that I will enjoy each moment with my family. Every moment spent with our children and grandchildren is precious. Noticing the singing of the birds, dancing in the kitchen, and watching my husband run around the house with our granddaughters are just a few moments that I am taking in and cherishing as much as possible.

I pray you will “Breathe Him In and Enjoy Every Little Thing You Can.”

Written by: Mollie Jarriel